


Human Disqualifications

by ironicbleu



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29843706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicbleu/pseuds/ironicbleu
Summary: A character study of Kaworu Nagisa and his relationship with what it means to be human.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu (implied)
Kudos: 24





	Human Disqualifications

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! Back with another Evangelion fic. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM. Please read with caution!
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated !

What does it mean to be human?

『 I. _Humans feel pain._ 』 Kaworu drags the razor blade across his wrist, watching intently as one would watch a laboratory experiment — though, he supposes that he himself is one. It takes a few moments, but small droplets of blood begin to form in bright red beads. It stings, but otherwise, Kaworu considers it unremarkable. He does it again, harder, testing his limits. It hurts more this time, though he still keeps an analytical look on his face. _This is what humans feel when they say they’re in pain? How odd._ More blood begins pooling on the cuts, the smaller droplets coalescing into larger and larger ones. _It’s almost like they don’t want to be alone. I think humans are like that too._

『 II. _Humans desire togetherness._ 』When Kaworu spots Shinji alone, the first thing he notices is how the boy holds himself. His shoulders hunch forward, and his head hangs towards the ground; Kaworu thinks he looks like a wilted flower. He wonders who has been neglecting to water him and give him sunlight. As he approaches him, Shinji’s face immediately lights up as though Kaworu is the sunlight he is so desperately missing. When Kaworu introduces himself, Shinji blushes and stammers over his response. _Why is he so flustered?_ _Is he that desperate for warmth?_ But Kaworu doesn’t have a moment to think before he’s suddenly asking Shinji if he would like to hang out after school. _Am_ I _that desperate for warmth?_

『 III. _Humans feel love._ 』As the two boys hold hands, Kaworu notes that Shinji stares at the semi-fresh cuts on his wrists. Confused by Shinji’s apparent concern, he can't help but feel as though he has somehow done something wrong. _Why is he worried? It’s merely a physical mark; it will heal and go away_ . Kaworu also notes that Shinji’s hands are sweaty and his breathing is slightly labored. He finds it endearing… cute, even. _Cute?_ Shinji thanks Kaworu for hanging out with him. When he sheepishly admits that Kaworu is the first real friend he’s ever had, Kaworu has an almost instinctual response to protect Shinji. _I want… for Shinji to be happy. Can someone like_ me _really do that?_

『 IV. _Humans fear difference._ 』There’s a burning hot pain in Kaworu’s heart when Shinji rejects him, when Shinji rejects his innate identity as an angel. _So this is pain…_ As he looks down at the scabs on his wrist, he understands now. He feels stupid that he ever thought he could try to replicate this piercing feeling. _I feel it now, because I love you, Shinji. Does this make me human?_ Shinji holds him in the grasp of his EVA; the grip is a lot firmer than when they held hands, but Kaworu still finds himself happy to be so close to Shinji. Kaworu can’t see him, but he knows Shinji is scared. Scared of him, because his mere existence is a danger to humanity. _Under different circumstances, could we have been friends?_

『 V. _Humans feel regret._ 』Moments before his eminent death, Kaworu wonders how things turned out like this. _It’s because I’m not human, of course. This is the only fate for me. I only wish… That I had truly been human._

But in the end, Kaworu Nagisa failed to be human.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Twitter if you want to keep up! @owarinotenshi :-)


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